The Satellite Effect

Planets have mass. The larger the planet, the larger the mass. The more mass a planet has, the more it bends space. That bending of space creates gravity. When an object passes through a planets gravity, if it isn't strong enough to break away from the pull, it either crashes into the planet or eventually settles into an orbit around the planet creating the Satellite Effect. The moon is the satellite of our planet. It became a satellite under violent circumstances. Physicists theorize that a large heavenly body crashed into the Earth creating immense damage. The impact was so huge that it shot a huge amount of the earths crust into space. This debris settled into orbit and after millions years, the earths gravity helped that debris coalesce into the Moon.  Now what the hell does this have to do with my blog? Simple.

I am the Earth and you are the moon. What does that mean? Well beside the self absorbed narcissism that the previous statement implies, it means two things.

One, that I am the most important thing to me. I am the center of my own universe. Just the act of writing this blog and thinking people give two shits about reading it shows some self absorbed behavior that proves my point. A blog is simply the thoughts of my perception and reality pointed outward at you. You being the Moon or satellites. And the truth to all existences is the PERCEPTION of your reality.I perceive myself as the most important person so I am. Get my drift?

But my second point is I am a social creature like all humans are. I wish to pull people closer into my world like the gravity of a planet to a heavenly body especially those bodies who are soft, round, delicate, gentle and beautiful. If a body is moving too fast, it might get away from me. These are typically people that I can't relate to. People I don't click with. The kinda of people that either I don't understand, don't get my sense of humor or don't find me charming. Not all heavenly bodies get pulled into orbit in nature and in life not everyone is going to be your best friend, pal, buddy, girlfriend or soul mate. But if a heavenly body gets pulled into the gravity of a planet and crashes into it, it causes great damage to both bodies. The damage to the planet takes eons to heal and the heavenly body drifts as dust until it reforms into a moon if it isn't destroyed by the crash. These are typically the relationships I've been in. Someone is either the heavenly body or the planet. The person that is the planet is damaged from the relationship and takes time heal. The person that is the heavenly body is destroyed, reforming later into a different person than they were before. It seems elegant, beautiful and tragic when put into this context. But what happens when two planets get pulled into each others gravity?

I've only been in love once, with my high school sweet heart. The first moment I laid eyes on here, I was in love. I felt like I was hit by lightening and for the first moment in my life, my eyes were open and I was alive. I was drawn to here. It was the only time ever I had seen an woman, said to myself "she will be mine" and knew it would happen. I met her through a friend and connection was instant. We were drawn to each other, At that moment began the slow process of each planet moving closer and closer together before we crashed into each other. And so it went for three years. Those years were the best and worst times of my life. Our relationship was fiery, passionate and tumultuous. The fire burned us. The heat scalded us. It created anger, jealousy and resentment but despite all that, the fire, the passion and love grew hotter until it seemed like we would erupt into a conflagration that would consume us both. It did. We crashed into each other and the relationship ended. The impact was so large that we bounced off each other, out of each others lives and went our separate ways. The damage to me was extensive. The planet for ever changed. All life had died, consumed by fire. The fires burned for years consuming all but the ache in my heart. In the smoke and dust emerged a new planet, stronger, wiser but defensive.

I would no longer seek heavenly bodies but avoid them. If one came near, I would make sure they didn't crash into me. I would push them away shooting them into space. Or if the body was too close or too strong, I would push them out into my orbit creating the Satellite Effect. There I could keep them at arms length were they couldn't hurt me. But what I was most afraid of was someone getting too close not to hurt me, but to see the damage on the planet and know how bad I was hurt. So I've kept people away. I've steeled my nerves and my face into a blank stare. A poker face showing no emotion at all. I put on a suit of armor to protect me from the world while suppressing all emotion to the outside world while inside I was drunk upon my own misery. So here I float alone. I was the weak one and chose the weak way out.

The worst thing you can ever do in life is change who you are from the bad experiences of life. You end of leaving the good and taking on the bad. The bad times are numerous in life and eventually you take on so much bad, you realize you have left all the good parts of yourself behind. The next thing you know, you wake up one day, look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself. You ask yourself who is this person staring at you in the mirror. "This is not me! I'm.....".

I'm not a huge Nine Inch Nails fan but my favorite song of theirs is "Hurt" performed by Johnny Cash. The best line in that song is "If I could start again, a million miles away. I would keep myself. I would find a way." Keep "yourself" people. Find a way. Don't use "The Satellite Effect". If you do, you might look at yourself one day and realize there is nothing of you left.

A.N.P. 09-03-10

Indifference

I've always been different. I've always known that. Even when I was little, the way I thought about things, people and the world was never in sync with it. As a child, my heart was a shinning orb that I thrust to people, shinning them with love and joy. I remember around the age of 8 wanting to be rich (I also wanted a red Lamborghini Countach) so I could open homeless shelters and give people food. Helping people and building them up was a core value of my being. As time went on, life began to tear me down. Each blow chipping away at that little boy and in its place building a new man. A tougher, more hardened and cynical individual was left in its place. In time, the "Greater Shadow" gripped me and my "Inner Light" had gone out. Now when I would look upon suffering, all I would see is indifference. Indifference in myself, in others and in the world. "Why should I care about this person? No one helped me? Toughen up buddy, life just gets harder! Get a job you bum. Maybe they deserved this?",  I would think. This continued on for some years...

This is the part where I explain I had some great epiphany that changed me back to my true self. To that little boy who once was. Well truth is, that little boy is gone. The truth is also that I am no longer that hardened, cynical and indifferent man.The truth is I am all these things and none of these things. The reason is CHOICE. When I choose to find that light inside myself, I can be a compassionate, loving, empathetic person. The hard part is digging through the wreckage of ones heart to find that "Inner Light, that true self so you can MAKE  that choice. But when I choose NOT to choose, the default mode kicks in. I become uncaring, hardened and indifferent with allot of cynicism and touch of scorn thrown in there. And therein lies the problem with the world. 

The world's default position is indifference. This is cause by people's indifference to other people's suffering. A person suffers, another person in a position to help ignores their "Inner Light", accepts their "Greater Shadow" and ALLOWS the person to suffer. That person, torn down by suffering continues the process. Why do we allow indifference to be so pervasive? Sin? Greed? Selfishness? Fear? Perhaps all of these things. I honestly don't know. It is a bit above my pay grade. What can be said is that we should choose not allow indifference to happen. We should listen to our "Inner Light", ignore our fears and help those who cannot help themselves. If we are not in a position to help, we should always allow our heart to feel unconditional kindness, love and empathy for that suffering person. Now does this mean to quit your life, sell all your stuff and fly to Haiti to help those ravaged by the earthquake? No, but it does mean that every time you are in a position empathize with someone, if that empathy moves you to action within your means, even if it's an inconvenience or hardship on you, then do it. This could be donating $10 to a charity, opening a door for an old lady or when you see a person walking somewhere in the heat, empathizing with their situation, giving thanks for what you have and not allowing your heart to turn to indifference.

Indifference is the enemy. It is anywhere and everywhere. You must always be vigilant and keep it at bay. It is not easy. It takes an open mind, a sensitive heart and vigilance. To hit this point home I'll tell you a story of something that recently happened. I was watching Tosh.0 on Comedy Central a few weeks ago. In this show as Daniel Tosh shows clips of people (often buffoons doing stupid things) from YouTube and after he plays the clips he makes fun of them. No big deal, the people were being stupid or silly anyways. Well in this episode, he showed a clip of a man from India who suffered from some disease that deformed his body. The deformity caused him to walk on his hands and feet with his knees bent in reverse. The poor man was pushing a box down the road as someone recorded him doing so. Many people were walking down the street and ignored him. Daniel Tosh made a joke, the crowd laughed and he moved on to the next segment. Well this really tore me up inside. I was appalled. I immediately turned off the T.V.. I sat there bewildered for a minute. My mind raced. How did that man live? Did anyone love him? How could he make a living? How would he ever find a wife in such a state? Would he die alone? How common was this kind of suffering in India that people just walked by and ignored him? I couldn't imagine how much he had suffered and how he might have lost his self worth and human dignity. I sat wondering what kind of world we lived in. I knew the world was in poor condition but what does it say about ourselves when we find it entertaining to laugh at the suffering of the weakest of the weakest, sickest of the sick, helpless of the helpless and poorest of the poor. Are we no better than Romans watching slaves and prisoners butcher themselves in the colosseum or our amusement?

During that night's national news, there was no mention of this. The news broadcast  had more important things like Lindsay Lohan's jail sentence or Sarah Palin's latest endorsement. Where was the outrage? Why wasn't this news? Why isn't it news that our moral core of right and wrong had eroded away so much but we had failed to notice? My mind was screaming but my lips were silent. What can I do? What should I do? I have no money! I have no power! I have no prestige or influence! I don't even know who that man was. How can I, a man, change the world? My heart sank as my mind settled in to the realization that I was different. That the way I thought about things and the way the world did will never be in sync. They are different. So I became despondent. I shut my mouth, let my heart ache, prayed for that man and did nothing. Indifference.

My heart continued to ache and I could not ignore it. I rallied my spirits and decided to do what little I could. First I stopped watching Tosh.0. Then I searched for the YouTube video of the man so I could find out what disease he had. Then I wanted to find and donate to a charity for people suffering from this disease. Unfortunately I couldn't find the video. I went on Comedy Central to find the clip but they had pulled the clip and hopefully the episode from the air (A small but comfortless victory) . Last, I decided to write about it. If I can stop someone from being indifferent to the suffering of the world, then maybe, just maybe I could make a difference. And just maybe, they can change someone else to notice the suffering of another and so on. This isn't much, but at least it is action without giving in to indifference. And if I don't reach a soul, I can still keep the ache in my heart fresh so I can be sensitive, empathetic and loving to another person's suffering. And when I pray, I can keep that ache fresh so that I may be truly sincere and humble in my prayers for that man, for my thanks in the blessings I received and in my hope for a better world. Elie Wiesel, a Jewish author and survivor of Auschwitz and Buchenwald concentration camps during WWII has a famous quote about his experiences there. He said “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” I think he is right. The world is indifferent to me. But I will not be indifferent to it.

The Greater Shadow

This is my first blog post. I'm doing this for my own catharsis. I hope and fear the people I know will read this. I'll will drop all pretense. This is the real me. I make no apologies for what I say here. This blog is only for me. If you read it and feel how I feel, post a comment to say hello. 

I was cooking dinner while mulling over the events of the day. My mind came upon a co-worker and how I had not treated her fairly. I had sometimes been cold and rude to her because she came across as abrasive, low-rent and a bit of a know-it-all. I started to look down upon her as if I was better than she was. I began to think about why she acted this way and why I chose to behave this way I had towards her. I began to think about the difficult situation she is in having to raise two children by herself. And how one of them suffers from a disease. I then remembered my own childhood and how my mom raised me alone and how I had suffered from Asthma from a young age. All the times she made sure I took my medicine and stayed up late when I was sick. The worry in her face when I would get ill and the relief she had when I could breathe again. I began to think of my co-workers children and how she must worry about her sick kid. And how she probably stays up late with her child. How relieved she is when he is better. So life is not easy for this co-worker who is having to raise not one but two children alone on a less than living wage. 

I began to think of her life and all the things I didn't like about her. Her load and boisterous speaking. Her classless and nonchalant demeanor. Her know it all attitude. I listed them all in my head and began to connect the dots. Or maybe I CHOSE to connect the dots. What ever it was, something in my heart hurt knowing I had not treated her fair. I began to reassess her and started seeing things I missed before.  Maybe her loud voice was from a neglected childhood where she was never loved or validated? Maybe her nonchalant demeanor was a way say to herself everything is going to be okay. That after a life of hardship, she might break under the weight of one more hardship and if she didn't have that attitude, she couldn't make it through the day? Maybe her need to be right is from low self esteem? After suffering so many defeats and failures, her only bulwark against the world was a blind belief that she is right and that the world is crazy and wrong! Or maybe I am over thinking things. 

Whatever the truth is, I don't think of her the same. Where I saw indifference in her eyes, I now see tragedy. Where I heard a classless, nonchalant voice, I hear defeat and and worry. And what I sense in her attitude to be cocky assertiveness, I sense pain and fear. What I see before me is a human being, broken down and suffering from the weight of her burdens. And the hubris, the shadow, the sin, the evil in me cause me to treat her with arrogance and loathing because her way of coping with the hubris, the shadow, the sin , the evilness that man has done UPON her had offended me. I am not a good person.

Upon this epiphany, my heart began to feel great sadness,shame, regret and remorse. I had treated her unkind, even if she felt no offense. If she did I am sorry. If she didn't, I am sorrier because this means she used to being treated this way. And in my own weakness and imperfection, I let my "Greater Shadow" crowd out my "Inner Light". The truth is I am broken. She is broken. We are broken. I just reacted in the way that has allowed me to get through life. To cope. To survive tragedies and burdens. To endure the hubris, the shadow, the sin , the evilness that man has done me. And I hate the wickedness done to me but unfortunately, I did the very thing I hated. I sound melodramatic over analyzing such a frivolous thing as rude behavior but it strikes to a core point. A truth to my existence. Evil in, evil out. Evil was done to me so (despite my best effort) I did evil to her. And it is evil, make no mistake about it. When you silence you "Inner Light" and stop showing empathy towards another person and let your "Greater Shadow" take hold, you will do become selfish and let evil take root. Take root in the broken places of our soul. Hemingway has a famous quote “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” If we can become stronger in the broken places, evil will not take root. To do that, we must silence the "Greater Shadow".

A.N.P. 08-13-10