This is my first blog post. I'm doing this for my own catharsis. I hope and fear the people I know will read this. I'll will drop all pretense. This is the real me. I make no apologies for what I say here. This blog is only for me. If you read it and feel how I feel, post a comment to say hello.
I was cooking dinner while mulling over the events of the day. My mind came upon a co-worker and how I had not treated her fairly. I had sometimes been cold and rude to her because she came across as abrasive, low-rent and a bit of a know-it-all. I started to look down upon her as if I was better than she was. I began to think about why she acted this way and why I chose to behave this way I had towards her. I began to think about the difficult situation she is in having to raise two children by herself. And how one of them suffers from a disease. I then remembered my own childhood and how my mom raised me alone and how I had suffered from Asthma from a young age. All the times she made sure I took my medicine and stayed up late when I was sick. The worry in her face when I would get ill and the relief she had when I could breathe again. I began to think of my co-workers children and how she must worry about her sick kid. And how she probably stays up late with her child. How relieved she is when he is better. So life is not easy for this co-worker who is having to raise not one but two children alone on a less than living wage.
I began to think of her life and all the things I didn't like about her. Her load and boisterous speaking. Her classless and nonchalant demeanor. Her know it all attitude. I listed them all in my head and began to connect the dots. Or maybe I CHOSE to connect the dots. What ever it was, something in my heart hurt knowing I had not treated her fair. I began to reassess her and started seeing things I missed before. Maybe her loud voice was from a neglected childhood where she was never loved or validated? Maybe her nonchalant demeanor was a way say to herself everything is going to be okay. That after a life of hardship, she might break under the weight of one more hardship and if she didn't have that attitude, she couldn't make it through the day? Maybe her need to be right is from low self esteem? After suffering so many defeats and failures, her only bulwark against the world was a blind belief that she is right and that the world is crazy and wrong! Or maybe I am over thinking things.
Whatever the truth is, I don't think of her the same. Where I saw indifference in her eyes, I now see tragedy. Where I heard a classless, nonchalant voice, I hear defeat and and worry. And what I sense in her attitude to be cocky assertiveness, I sense pain and fear. What I see before me is a human being, broken down and suffering from the weight of her burdens. And the hubris, the shadow, the sin, the evil in me cause me to treat her with arrogance and loathing because her way of coping with the hubris, the shadow, the sin , the evilness that man has done UPON her had offended me. I am not a good person.
Upon this epiphany, my heart began to feel great sadness,shame, regret and remorse. I had treated her unkind, even if she felt no offense. If she did I am sorry. If she didn't, I am sorrier because this means she used to being treated this way. And in my own weakness and imperfection, I let my "Greater Shadow" crowd out my "Inner Light". The truth is I am broken. She is broken. We are broken. I just reacted in the way that has allowed me to get through life. To cope. To survive tragedies and burdens. To endure the hubris, the shadow, the sin , the evilness that man has done me. And I hate the wickedness done to me but unfortunately, I did the very thing I hated. I sound melodramatic over analyzing such a frivolous thing as rude behavior but it strikes to a core point. A truth to my existence. Evil in, evil out. Evil was done to me so (despite my best effort) I did evil to her. And it is evil, make no mistake about it. When you silence you "Inner Light" and stop showing empathy towards another person and let your "Greater Shadow" take hold, you will do become selfish and let evil take root. Take root in the broken places of our soul. Hemingway has a famous quote “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” If we can become stronger in the broken places, evil will not take root. To do that, we must silence the "Greater Shadow".
A.N.P. 08-13-10
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